Me after saying ‘I’ll behave tonight.

Me waking up from a 17-minute nap like:
What planet is this and why am I here?

Me investigating that weird sound knowing damn well I’m not built for horror movies 😭🔪🍳

So I get one friend like this her name na Vanessa but we dey call her Vee the Hotpan because omo, she sabi wear pant like designer. One day like this, she say make she jump on this cooking in lingerie trend wey she see on Chumstar. She come buy lace pant and matching bra that look like temptation with small Ankara.

Na so she set ring light, arrange kitchen like say na Gordon Ramsay dey come do collab. She talk say she wan cook plantain and egg — the national break-up food. But as she dey flip the plantain, she no know say gas don dey leak small small. My sister come bend to pick spoon, only to hear fwiiiiiiim–BOOM!

Omo the flame lick the lace small 😭. She scream “JESU!” and start dancing Shoki inside kitchen. Fire no too catch am sha, but her eyebrow shift go Ekiti side. Neighbours rush in see am with fire extinguisher and confusion bra.

One fine neighbor wey don dey eye her since carry bucket of water come pour am like Nollywood scene. She vex say “Are you mad? Do I look like Jollof rice?”

Anyway, long story short video go viral. Title: “Plantain, Pant, and Wahala.” She gain 6k followers in 2 days. Chumstar even DM am say “Welcome, Queen.”

Now she dey cook efo riro in thong and call herself Chef Tension.

Moral of the story: If you go wear lingerie to cook, make sure say lace no near fire. But also… content na content, my sister.

Me: ‘I’m a lady now. I’m mature.’
Him: grabs thigh
Me: 🍷🥴 class dismissed.